With a nasty cold to comfort me on Christmas Eve, I made sure to hug as many people as I could who were crazily flying around the malls and shopping places on last-minute shopping binges here in Lexington. Of course, I didn’t leave out all our friends in our church, and shook as many hands as I could after each sneeze! ‘Tis the season for giving!
With my head feeling like it was in a vice all day Christmas Day, we attended a church service . . . Hey, Whose birthday are we celebrating, anyway!? Again with the hugging and hand=shaking, and I ate some of my wife’s delightful porridge to help me endure the affliction of my cold, and went to bed.
So instead of my intended diatribe about all that we get wrong in Christmas celebrations, let me pass along Ned Crabb’s amazing find in 2007. For my ESL readers, you may want to skip this blog, or at least recognize you will never be quizzed on any of these words!
And Merry Christmas to all . . .
Twas the Day After Christmas
By NED CRABB
December 26, 2007
The following instructions, coffee-stained and torn, were found in a box amid a jumble of tools and mechanical parts on the sidewalk outside a Manhattan apartment building along with discarded trees and other holiday trash. Just visible inside the box was a gift tag that read “Merry Christmas to Johnny. Love, Mom and Dad.”
Congratulations! You are the lucky owner of the Model ZVZ156 Vangplotz High-Digenation Wide-Scringe Framulator, Series 7000, with fernillated quick-response Worzel and 20,000 zurlebytes of scringe-view quorms. Follow these simple instructions and soon you will enjoy untold hours of pleasure.
IMPORTANT: Begin by lifting out the plune-wrapped section marked “Lithinode Distrillitor” and refer to the blue-colored picrochit-regulator intensity chart on the side. If the chart has the fuchsia-colored code BRZ3434, your unit requires an AC4(x2z3) power influrger. Extract the influrger pack from the distrillitor’s surge-protection splange and check the code. If you have an AC5(x3z4) influrger instead of an AC4(x2z3) model, or if the intensity chart is colored burnt orange instead of blue, then call your local Vangplotz “Speedy Geek” home service provider at 1-800-UONHOLD.
WARNING: If the intensity chart is colored silver with pink stripes, then your distrillitor must be activated in person by a Vangplotz lithinode technician within 48 to 72 hours. Vangplotz service centers are conveniently located in the Yellow Dog, Ala., industrial campus and the six-story Grendel Mall-City in Frozen Badger, N.D.
Next, lift out the tray marked “Tools” and check the inclusions against the following list:
One 7¾-inch extenulator
Two packages of ¾-inch fribbets
Four packages of 1½-inch fribbets
One six-jointed revolving spangler
One Spurgel-head grommel
One swigel-headed flonge
One multi-pronged grallup
One soft-COR elasticized squiller
Unpack the main components: Scringe, MO-DOR qualblanz scrambler, disk-o-later insertion whindler, zagenator, gridger board, Wooflang biceptor, varnicle inhibitor, Worzel.
Remove plune-wrapping from the scringe. Using the 7¾-inch extenulator, calibrate the number of inches spanning the scringe-gripper aperture on the MO-DOR scrambler. The ZVZ156 scringe must have a 14-inch aperture to successfully interflex with the MO-DOR picrochits. If the aperture exceeds 14 inches, insert and turn the soft-COR elasticized squiller. Upon completion proceed to:
First, insert the lithinode distrillitor pack into the scringe under the panel marked Varnicle Reflexelator Chamber. A flinged graffler at the bottom of the chamber will connect the distrillitor to the varnicle. Next, lower the scringe into the MO-DOR scringe-gripper aperture using the swigel-headed flonge to secure it onto the varnicle nodes, which conduct 20-zilihurtz magnifiers to the varnicles. Use the multipronged grallup to secure the pink wooplers to the orange varnicle nodes and the four triple-pronged green wires to the varnicle inhibitor.
WARNING: Even one woopler-varnicle node misconnection will cause xurls to disrupt the scringe-view quorms once the framulator is plugged in.
On the gridger board, align the zagenator, whindler and biceptor units 2.725 inches apart, calibrating the distance with the extenulator. Place the gridger board on top of the units and secure with 1½-inch fribbets using the revolving spangler. Stabilize the units by installing fandles using 1½-inch fribbets.
Go carefully; this is a narrow space: Attach the Spurgel-head grommel onto the wronchle prong of the multi-pronged grallup and position it directly over a fribbet.
Next, extend the revolving spangler to the fourth joint, attach the bludgger head and release the sping-grip. With your left hand, carefully lower the spangler and clamp the sping-grip around the grommel handle while turning the spangler speed valve to “rapid” with your right, and pressing the oscillator button with your other hand.
THIS CONCLUDES PART 1
Unfortunately, Ned never found the the remaining instructions, but if you’ve put this much together, you can probably figure out the rest on your own.
. . . and to all a good night.